I want donuts.

Ok I want timbits. If you don't know what a timbit is... well that's your loss isn't it?

I've been scanning stuff for the ex as a favour - he's doing a ton of work as far as his high school reunion goes (in charge of all the 90s stuff basically), and he needed the graduation photos from 1990-1999 scanned. It wasn't too bad in the beginning when it was maybe 10 pages, but I'm halfway through and we're up to 15. Luckily I have a system whereby it takes me less than an hour to do 15 pages, with the occasional break to forage or pee. I was up all night (until 5:30) working on it and I'll be up for some time tonight too. I'm getting dinner out of it so it's not so bad.

Other than that... I want timbits.

Ok OTHER than that, just to make him happy, my friend just started his own blog (now that it's become good enough for him, right? hehe) so I might as well link to it. I also added a second link so that the first one wouldn't be lonely... but the second one is a livejournal. Either way it's also entertaining. They shall now have a home in my right sidebar.

Go, read, enjoy.

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Ok so what I'm pretty sure is BPD is hitting hard today. I went from relatively content to totally pissed off to miserable to pissed off to miserable in just over 12 hours. I doubt the combination of it and the PMS is a good one.

If I could just get a fucking appointment with my Dr. I'd feel better, but he's not open on Wednesdays. What kind of Dr. isn't open on Wednesdays??

Ok, ok.. that's just me splitting, and I shouldn't do that. He isn't a bad Dr.... he just makes REALLY SHITTY referrals.

Ok.. I'm doing it again.

I'm just going to shut up now and go on being silently miserable... and drunk. At least I probably will be by the end of the night.

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I am so utterly bored. This city has to be the least entertaining place there is. I suppose I should get dressed and do the running around I've been meaning to do - I need to get some shopping done, including finding myself a nice lidded bowl that I can make noodles in, partly for ease of preparation and partly for ease of transportation (it's hard to carry a full bowl of noodles down a flight of stairs).

To top it all off, I'm freezing. It's not a bad temperature outside but the basement is always at least 5ºC cooler, and my jammies are not helping despite being long sleeved with pants.

Yes I'm bitching today. I feel like bitching. Ok actually I feel like ripping someone apart, but that isn't likely to happen so I shall bitch as much as humanly possible.

Ok I don't feel like bitching anymore. I'm going back to my game of Mall Tycoon (2), and then I shall contemplate going out, despite not feeling like dragging my lazy ass around town.

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So I was doing some reading, and I came across some information on Borderline Personality Disorder. I read through a few articles on it, and then felt the overwhelming need to throw up.

Never before did I think the entirety of how I feel could be summed up under one heading... but there it is.

Unfortunately the ex is now telling me that he's not buying it without professional diagnosis, and if it IS the case he doesn't know if he'll ever want to be with me again - he said that he can't handle it, and if I want us to try again, I have to PROVE to him that I can be normal. I personally don't feel I have to prove a fucking thing to him. If I can live a normal life fine. If he can be understanding, sympathetic, and considerate, well.. I'd like to see the day. Luckily I have other people who will let me vent, and let me get it out of my system, and make me feel better about myself. The ex, on the other hand, just makes me feel worse. I don't need that right now.

Anyway, after reading all of this, particularly the part about having to be on meds for life, I'm trying to find answers as to what I do now. I can't find anything about where I should go, who I should talk to, or any of that. I'm still looking, but so far all I've found is the "after you get to who you need to talk to" bit.

I feel good about knowing that there is a cause for all of this and I'm not just screwed up.
I feel horrible about knowing the ex isn't going to be there for me through it - he doesn't want to hear it and all that BS.
Good thing I have other people who truly do care, and are willing to listen.

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I hate living here. Living under my mother's rule is smothering any desire I have to be an independent adult. She just has a way of making me not care; she makes me want to just give up.

It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't treating me like a child, but I'm sick of her attitude. She's such a two-faced bitch. On one hand, she wants to see me make it on my own, and on the other hand, she's quashing even the slightest inkling of adult thought. I try to discuss the issue with her, but she blows me off as if I was just some stupid kid who couldn't possibly have any idea what they're talking about. Her attitude to this point has been "you're absolutely free to make decisions for yourself, as long as I agree with them." If I even hint at doing something she personally disapproves of, she threatens me with homelessness. Apparently she would rather see her daughter homeless than independent, or that's the impression she seems to be holding onto.

I want to get out on my own more than I have wanted anything in my life. In addition I am as interested in being in a relationship as I was as a child. I've got a lot of shit to get straight, and a lot of lost living to make up for, and right now I'm just not interested in the stress and worry that comes with constantly thinking about someone else on top of it all. I so desperately want to get out and just be me.

I go out during the day and I feel free. I have a great time, do what I want to do, and I feel great. I have friends who love me and support me, and try to cheer me up when I feel miserable.

I come home and see her, and I crash. She treats me like I'm never going to be able to make it on my own because I'm just not capable of taking care of myself from the second I walk in the door. In fact I've heard it from her own mouth that she seriously doubts I can make my own decisions and take care of myself. I'm sick of being threatened with homelessness and I'm sick of her attitude that I'm incompetent.

I want out, and I'm trying my hardest, but every day I feel a little more like giving up. I feel a little more like there's no point.

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So right now I'm in doing some office work for my mom - no big deal, it's $9 an hour to sit on my ass at a computer, which I'd be doing at home anyway.

I keep forgetting how freaky the bathroom is here. It's one of those deals where there's a mirror over the sink, and there's a mirror on the wall facing the sink. Every time I look into it and see those infinite reflections, I'm just waiting... WAITING to see someone walk by, like 10 reflections back or something. Needless to say, I don't care much for mirrors.

I just got a look at my journal in 800x600. Doesn't look too good.... looks like I have some adjusting to do, percentage-wise.

I don't even know if anyone reads this (there's certainly never any comments posted), but nevertheless I keep writing in it anyway. I think it's becoming a crutch.

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Yes, that's what's going on.

The BF and I split up, with the vague possibility of getting back together in the future, once I've got a steady job, my own place, and we're still interested in trying again. Right now, I don't know WHAT I want short of my own place, so I'm not thinking about it. This involves a lot of keeping distracted.

Anyway, because of this, I am now living with my parents (and I invite you all to scream in pain on my behalf), and have very little interest in graphics at the moment. I'm playing a lot of pool on Pogo though - usually High Stakes (2000 token bet per game), and I'm spending a lot of time with an old ex of mine, who's doing worlds to make me feel better about myself. In fact, thanks to him I think I'm regaining a lot of the confidence I used to have... it's too bad he's got that depression that's always dragging him down... plus his parents are psycho.

Either way things are kind of a mess right now, with me desperately looking for a job but not knowing where to begin.

Life is a pain in the ass sometimes.

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